We need to protest Hollywood’s attempt to make Bradley Cooper a leading man. Between The Hangover, All About Steve, and that time he fucked Jennifer Aniston, his star is clearly on the rise. This is unacceptable.
Don’t get me wrong. I liked Bradley Cooper as nerdy Will Tippin on the television program Alias. (Shame-loss alert!) But since when do television actors successfully transition into film stars? It goes against the rules of the universe.
Notice how his face is a bit skeletal? How his complexion is nearing that Lindsay Lohan-shade of toxic orange? Do you see what’s happening here? An inappropriately tan leading man becomes Hollywood’s go-to d-bag?
Bradley Cooper has taken over for Matthew McConaughey.
But why? Did McConaughey get blacklisted after the naked drum circle incident? And before he was caught, was there anyone in the world who didn’t assume that McConaughey was involved in some sort of naked drum circle? For heaven’s sake, his BFF is Lance Armstrong, the King of the D-bags. That’s what they do in Lance’s kingdom: exercise and play drums in the nude. Maybe smoke some pot to ease the ’roid rage. They’re just predictable like that.
I never thought I’d be saying this, but here we are: Bring back McConaughey! He is the One True Douche.
Better yet, let’s just have Matt Damon play McConaughey.
Now that’s acting.
5 comments:
"It goes against the rules of the universe."
Well so does using "transition" as a verb. You're shooting off your own foot, here.
Shot through the heart! Though I daresay I'm a more progressive grammarian than you. Thou.
Loving the "they're the same person" reference. You are my hero.
"...more progressive grammarian..."
Well, I have to admit, there's something to be said for state-of-the-art. Though I'll bet you're harder to program than the last model. Or come in more colors. Or have biodegradable packaging.
The kids today understand you effortlessly, of course; but I'm too old to learn a new whole language.
Fuck the grammar, that Matt Damon clip is fantastic! I am so super-psyched for The Informant! I almost clapped when they ran the preview before Extract last night. Which was great, btw.
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